The Road Not Taken

It so happens that at the moment I'm finding myself standing on a crossroad, uncertain of which direction to follow. And it so happens that all these thoughts usually creep into my mind when darkness falls and the world outside seems to have gone asleep. During the day is when life happens, during the night is when it's pondered upon. Or at least in my case.

Reminiscing the chats that I had with different people in KL, I can recall that most of them actually don't have a clear idea on where to go and what to do next. Some of them are weighing their various options and find it difficult to make a decision, as any choice would affect the course of their future lives. Now that I'm back "home" (I will explain the quotation marks later), I discovered an entirely different mindset among the friends that I've known for years. In one year of my absence, most of them have graduated and have secured a full-time job, some have moved in together with their partners and others are looking for a place, but all working towards something and pursuing their own happiness. There's an obvious trend in that people here seem to follow a pattern that closely resembles the principle of the 5 C's of Singapore (Certificate, Career, Cash, Condominium and Car). However, unlike Singapore, I believe that they do not aspire to achieve these things in order to impress others, but mainly to create certain convenient aspects in their life which enable them to enjoy it the most.

But isn't there so much more in life than that? Or is your happiness measured by how many securities you have built in your life or how much money you have saved up on your bank account?

Indonesia was my home for the first twelve years of my life. When we moved to the Netherlands, I thought that someday I would return to that place of endless rice fields and eternal sunshine where my roots were and where I belonged. And when I went back to post-economic crisis Jakarta for the first time after nine years, so much had changed and I didn't feel like totally at home, like I'd become a foreigner to a certain extent. The same thing I felt here in Europe; although I do fluently speak the language and I proudly call myself Dutch, in some aspects I still feel like an outsider. And so I've come to consider myself a traveller, forever an anxious stranger until I find that place that I can entirely call home.

Here everything is organised. There's an insurance for everything, from basic health to legal assistance all the way down to your funeral arrangements (I'm paying a company now already so I can be cremated by them later). Your salary is deducted for numerous taxes, dictated by the social security laws and regulations. Ours is a welfare state in which the state bears the primary responsibility for the welfare of its citizens, in health, education, employment and social security. With that comes all the bureaucratic paperwork. Different registration numbers at different public and private institutes, entitling different rights depending on how much you're contributing to the state. It makes me tired just thinking about it.

I'm not complaining, I'm lucky to have been given the opportunity to live in a Western European developed country and to hold the citizenship thereof. Who knows what would have happened if my mom had chosen to stay in Indonesia. Maybe I would have been knocked up three times by now, living off my husband's minimum salary or working my ass off trying to send the kids to school. Now I'm 27 and clueless. I still think that's better.

I also think it's good that people can have all the safeguards they desire against the insecurities (with mostly financial consequences) in life. But does it automatically guarantee your mental and emotional well-being? Me thinks not necessarily. And the thing I most dislike is that there seems to be a structure according to which life should be lived. A structure I so far have refused to be subjected to, but from which I can't escape should I decide to start a new chapter here. The thought of it really makes me itchy. I'm sooo not ready for that.

I want to be Columbus,

gearing up and setting sail to unknown lands,

inhaling the smell of adventure with every breath,

listening to the winds, following the birds,

exploring the horizon and plunging head-first into life

like taking a free dive from a high cliff into the enormously wide ocean.

You know what's funny, today by chance I found this poem by Robert Frost, one of my favourite poems by one of my favourite poets in the world. It's called "The Road Not Taken". The first time I had to analyse it was during English class at secondary school. It has always been appealing to me in ways that I could not explain from the moment I laid my eyes upon it. For now it cannot be more appropriate. Coincidence? Maybe.

I would love to live by it. I hope I have enough courage to do so...

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.